21 Days to China

So, having spent the last week freaking out about my visa and my plane ticket I figured that once I got these two things taken care of the freaking out would stop; it has, however, dispersed and rather than being a centralized specified feeling it's now an uncentralized feeling of discomfort. This is change, exciting, but no one said it would be comfortable.

In some ways, I wonder how this commitment to go to China is akin to getting married; I've already spent way too much money, told way too many people, and done my best to see myself in Shanghai, and yet I do feel that cold feet sort of feeling. This is strange to me, not only because it's uncomfortable, but because I felt so sure about this adventure so recently as a single month ago, one month ago when it was not yet so real as it is today.

The parts of me that are excited realize just how many amazing things I'll see, that I'll be completely immersed in something other than Minnesotan culture, that this is an opportunity to really grow as a person in a way that I would be unable to accomplish in the comfort and stability of my home. Doubt then sets in periodically throughout the day. Doubts about leaving people behind, leaving comfort and familiarity... but then there's also the adventure.

I guess my feeling is cold feet or not, I have the opportunity to do something today that I could not have conceived of last year. I accept that it will be difficult, and often times lonely, because these are things that I know (though I don't like to deal with them) they are in fact possible. More than any thing else though, I remember what I've learned from commedy writers, that it's difficult but imparative to 'remember what was funny and had people rolling on the floor laughing the first time you read something, because after the 20th time hearing it people are not going to laugh and it's up to you to remember those beginning laughs and work on the things that NEVER worked, DO not waste you time re-tooling something that already worked and doesn't seem to anymore, because you can get that back.' I've learned to trust that feeling deep down inside that once said 'this is a good idea'; so even though I don't necessarily feel that right here in this particular moment, I know that if I trust that feeling from back when I was sane everything will be okay. FORWARD HO!